When there’s no more light at the end of that tunnel

okay whatever, i don’t feel like blogging. but i’ll blog

I am so tired to think that I have to work. really glad that I AM LEAVING! (yes, i know i will miss SB in some ways but like JE say, give it a day or two i’ll get over it (: )

& yes, about Harry Mott. I really feel that even though it’s been like only 10 days with him, some of us have already felt that he’s part of us. As in the school. Feel quite sad that he’s leaving already. It’ll be really nice to have him as our lecturer. Definitely wasn’t as bad as i thought it would be. It was really nice to have him around.

It’s Nisfu Syaaban tmr and I am pretty excited about fasting and all. (: yes yes yes. that means fasting month coming.

Very glad studio proj going well. yeh, WE did a great job guys! (:

I know I’ll have to drag myself to work tmr. Basically, I am just sick of the same job ( & partly other reasons but it doesnt matter) Most importantly, I am happy that I am leaving!

NDP 08! (:

when will I be done with this?

have not been blogging for really long now. LIke really WEEKS.

Not a lot happened but some things happened. Sch is going just fine but not just, just fine. I feel really tired lately and I really do not want to feel tired. urgh..

So many other things to do now. & i know I will never be done with this shit. it seems like I will have to do this for eternity.

My friendship with Darren Tan have officially fall off. I cannot stand him and will never be able to anymore. I just cannot stand him. I am not going to try to make things better because he’s too much of a A hole whom always think he’s always right. I am not going to care about people like him cause it’s definitely worthless if anyone were to care as he does NOT have emotional feelings to know that you at least care for him. And I think he’s insane as i think he thinks I am still SO DEEPLY IN LOVE with him because I keep asking him out and all. I think he thinks too much and he needs to understand that I cannot ever like him cos he does not deserve me as he’s too full of himself. I wish he can stop acting as though I am a hopeless social retard. He thinks I will sabotage him & tell his beloved sister all the wrong things he did not do. He thinks I actually do talk about him to his sister. Well FYI, not anymore and not in a REALLY REALLY REALLY, REALLY long time. He needs to grow up and stop calling other people petty. It’s like you keep saying other people stupid, you’ll end up being the stupid one. That’s exactly whats he’s turning to. I am so not going to acknowledge him anymore. He’s invisible and very INsignificant now.

but actually, i am glad no more shits (: no one needs a friend like him, really. More people are happy for me that we’ve fall off. I’m happier…

it’s pretty weird

more pls(:

Suddenly feel like I miss HD so much. Like really suddenly miss him. But I only talked to him like 2 days ago actually. Don’t know eh. Maybe been really long since we meet up and all.

So many things to do now. Just 6 more weeks! (: But then uh, what am I supposed to do for the 6 weeks? hmm…

No longer mad, MAD at him. Whatever lah. Im tired.

& camel lay eggs.like HAR?

it maybe frustrating

Okay, not maybeb frustrating. IT IS. I serious. urgh… I can like jump with joy and jump with anger the next moment. Just whats wrong with me and the opposites? Then again I keep falling for men not my species then I get myself angry. Put in a rollercoaster of emotions. Sometimes I don’t know why this itchy hands and fingers and mouth to go and talk to them.

You see, I am brought up in a much open minded family. But those men weren’t. So this is the issue.

I hate heartbreaks and I don’t look forward to more heartbreaks. (who does?) Then James issues will start all over again. Okaylah agnotti. Forget it. Just accept that it’s not now.

Just there’s absolutely nothing wrong. Okay, i think i just think too much. Like WAY too much now. Then again when it comes to relationships, I know I cannot afford to commit now & I don’t want to feel obliged to a man at such a young age. then again, I am still young. What’s the need of being with someone. But then again, I realised these kinda stuff are sometimes out of our control.

I think my time will be more worth it on the projects.. then I can really enjoy the 6 weeks break. (i think i like know that long time agoo)

BUT the broken heart still hurts! ARGH!!!!!!

Again times like this will make me think of D. I’m so upset with myself… Yes, with projects and grssroots and SIDM club stuffs to do I’m pretty sure L-O-V-E will not be much of an issue. Been trying to get people for dragon boating & seems like that someone is like totally ignoring me whenever I talk to him on msn. It feels funny when people DON’T reply me. I was just trying to ask if there’s someone who’d be interested to join the committee. I’ve gone so far and I do not want to drop it. I CANNOT.. I am really worried that it won’t go right :(  So many things to achieve in so little time. Anyway, I really don’t know why he’s not replying. It doesn’t really matter anyway. Just puzzled.

And besides I really think you’re not fun if you don’t talk for fun.

“Rollercoaster ride of a teenager”

you’re a sad song with nothing to say

Okay, National Day Dinner was awesome. Met Mr Nassim who then said i’m a BIG TIME LADY just because of the troubles I’ve caused during those secondary school days. I’ve changed can. I know I made really stupid mistakes those days & I dont want them to repeat. I have already done something abt that part of me. It’s history.

So WORK WORK WORK starts tomorrow. Studio project coming up. Lots of other stuffs to do. Giving myself plenty of time to enjoy as much time as I can. I had fun last week so yah.. I made full use of the time to rest. (:

Erm, I really hope HD issus with SM will end soon. It’s been like for a few months now. Not sure if he is still in love with her but he seems to be disturbed by SM actions. Well, that maybeb how D felt when we broke up. I dont know though. Really hope he’ll do well this time. Really don’t want him to get retained again. A’s are like REALLY REALLY his priorities now and i totally understand why we couldn’t go out as often. (: Ahh, I still love him though! *bigsmiles*

Been feeling quite melancholy for the pass few days. Good thing i guess. My retribution for being too jubilant over so many things. & oh I’ve decided to blog on a seperate page about religion. It’s sort of better so emotions don’t mix. But totally can’t wait for fasting month! The faster the better…

So yes, nothing much happend other than I met up with F on weds to catch up on our lives. He’s doing well in aerospace so good for him. Nothing much about him now. Gladly..

Plannings for my sister’s 21st birthday party is going well (: Most things are already done. Except for cake, invitations and door gifts. Caterer etc etc all done. It’s going to be a really BIG thing & I really want her to have a good time. At least, I AM going to make sure she will have(: haa, it means I am going to be quite broke when my birthday comes cos our birthdays are only 2 weeks apart. Ah well, that doesn’t really matter. Cos eventhough I can swear no one on earth can be as irritating as her i love her a lot. It’ll be my turn when I turn 21, hopefully (:

ermm I really hope my aunt will be okay now that my uncle is gone. Kinda regretted for not knowing him much when he’s still around. I know whr he is now is definitely a better place for him. At least we all know no more sufferings for him. May he rest in peace…

So for now nothing much happened other than I’m feeling quite excited for National Day. (: Really can’t wait for the fireworks. No plans, really. I really hope something will turn out soon. Will be pretty sad if i end up sitting at home with totally no plans at all. Haiz.. We’ll see la hurh. Then again portfolio and studio proj first now.

I did a photoblog cos i wanted to continue taking pictures now & post pretty pictures (: www.throughascene.wordpress.com (links at the side)

& to you; If I don’t see your face again, I don’t mind. At least I had (:

“At times we can feel as if we are too weak to live yet too strong to die”

& then you’ll realise there’s no one but yourself

I think all of us have come across times when we really need someone to hear our hearts speak. But again, when we need someone, he/she can’t really be there. Then you start to think. Then you realise, you’re the same too. Then you don’t blame them. You feel alone. But the next morning you say “hello” to the world. Things go okay again. Only sometimes it may not. Sometimes…

I wanted to talk abt SB. But i dont feel like cos it’s no point. Like seriously. The world is too complicated for you to know/learn everything.

I guess all this while I’ve been pretty ambitious. Always wanted to achieve great achievements. Doing something more. Something more for everyone. For good intentions. For others. But I guess the environment there just don’t need it. So I guess my nature does not tie in with the kind of work ethics they want. All I wanted was experience. I got it. So there I go. That’s it. Nothing is permanent. Yes, nothing.

Sometimes thinking about everything just makes me wanna cry. Fear instill in me. Fear of so many things. Esp failure & losing the people I love. Then I realise how coward I am. No courage to face life actually. Really, no courage. Im feeling really lousy about myself now. Like VERY.

I really want to be an ordinary person but being able to do extraordinary duties. Why do ordinary if you can go the extra mile? I don’t think God gave you the abilities to only help yourself.

Hmm, she’s not being herself and it’s affecting me. What wrong did i do now. I always feel I tried to please everyone. But why does it always seem like I am not trying hard enough? I think it is really not doing enough. Not enough AT ALL

Im really tired of thinking now. Like maybe one day, I just want to listen to nice songs by the beach, watching the clouds go by, alone. Need time off from the world. I feel very tired now. It upsets me. I need more space to think.

Silence-the best remedy now.

“Speak no words cos silence is my loudest cry” Cherine

looking at you through the glass

When you’re really tired but you dont feel like getting on the bed. Too tired maybe?

Went to watch Under the same Moon with JE. Really awesome show (: My money’s worth it & EVERYONE should watch it too!

So today shift was okay. eerm.. expected it to be the same as sat, gladly it did not turn out to be(: he asked about this. You can find through google-ing this luh. Serious nehhx..

Don’t ask me & have the impression that I only want to play around with men. Mr Right hasn’t reached my life yet. heeeh, that customer is hot! uh, DD knows which one. Yes, the french one. So cute.. haiz. I should work more closing cos he’ll be in store till quite late! I enjoy working on saturday nights where I can see cuter male customers. (:

You’re the best I’ll ever have. Im sorry ):

I don’t pay attention to the ones who never cared

okay. am feeling quite agitated with EVERYONE in the house.

Just what’s wrong with the world. AAAARGHHH!!!!

like when you know things are going to be okay they turn out not to be okay.

Like, how your dad scold you cos you want to do something he believes is not right. How your mom ask you EVERYDAY how much you spent @ school and if there’s still balance in your bank account. How your sister just come and use your mac and make it comfortably hers, using it for not any purposes & when you know no one is actually using the family computer & uses your bestfriend’s DS without your permission. How your other sister have to show the attitude she doesn care about her Olvls cos it seems like watching CSI is much more important to her studying hours. & how much you try so hard not to ask extra money from your parents, make do with what you have & so doing a part-time job so that you won’t have to ask them money for other stuffs.

Yes, that sounds irritating enough for me. When you feel like screaming and hitting the wall real hard. This mixed feeling of being angry and to do the hitting to let go of this negative emotion.

Again, I have to ask. What is wrng with the world?

Trying to do with a part time job not to burden your parents much becomes a pain when you use less then 1/3 of your pay to get that something you want & they brag as though you’ve used 2 months worth of pay. It’s like you’ll see it as it’s totally wrong to use your NOT-SO-VERY-BIG-DEAL pay.

How they see you as being self centered just because you are not at home & bcos you have to go to sch, work and work for other stuffs to fulfill your life eg grassroots, dragonboat, SIDM Club, tuiton etc etc (they find it wrong) & they feel you dont want to share the load of doing housework & running away from house chores.

So am I overreacting? NO, i don’t disturb their lives. All I want is them to let me live independently and let me learn. I want to remove the safety net that’s been provided all these years. It’s time to remove it. Let me learn. JUST LET ME LEARN, it’s pissing me off

but eh.. I think just do what makes your parents happy. Don’t blame me if i bum arnd the hse during my 6 weeks holidays. I am going YOUR way now. Since you are like soooo right. hmph..

& yes. I am talking abt the friend i met at the JK Racial Harmony thingy. I think he’s quite nice. but erm lets see. why I am talking abt him now is bcos he doesn reply me. & it’s not normal if people don’t. so im thinking like

A) Really busy

B) Not interested in the conversation

C) Cannot be bothered to talk to a young attention seeking lady (he’s prolly thinking that way cos he’s waaay older)

D) None of the above

So if it’s none of the above then what else… can’t be he’s married and his wife is sitting next to him in the office! ok agnotti is taking that sentence back; thats so rude. agnotti is talking rubbish now as her dad just gave her a scolding.

Too agitated to sleep now. think she’s going to finish up tina’s stuff.

agnotti shuts up now.

maybe i miss you

Spin me round again and rub my eyes.
This can't be happening

Melancholy mood. But of course you don’t care a bit. I wish you can care some. But I know your lack of humanity just cannot allow you to care much. Those words mentioned yesterday are still playing in my mind. & today I believe you no more. did I disappoint you?

Everytime I thought it’s over it’ll come back. & everytime again I wished this isn’t happening. Truly, deeply, it hurts. Emotions playing. Rush of adrenaline. Take over of melancholy. I just don’t know what’s the take of this insensitivity life. Or insensitivity you?

I just want to clean the corners of my mind. But just know that you’re what that hurts the most. Always and forever will be.

my mom collects starbucks plastic cups

19 Rejab 1429

eh really, she doesn’t throw them away. lol? shes fancies them. ALOT

ohoh, im really PROUD of my Dad for making the racial harmony fiesta a success! yay!!! I think it is a really big deal for him being the chairperson of IRCC of JK Constituency. & for the event to be a success itself IS a big deal kk.. (: kinda enjoyed myself. learnt a lot a looot a looooot of things.. met new people. so it was really a whole new experience altogether! (:

so erm, school this week is like super slack with only 2 lectures this week! (: yay!! jovi’s lesson was cancelled yst. eric’s cancelled today!(: good life this week. less less stress.. but the fever is still killing me. my nose got stuck, i can’t breathe properly and my head’s spinning.. too tired i think. yes, i know i ain’t superman. I cannot do alot of things at one time. I am going to prove everyone wrong can.. I know I can. I can only if i push myself a bit more… cos i know everytime i push myself a bit more i can go further. yesyes.. i know i can. so Mom, dont worry too much. (:

right now, I am super pissed at D. he’s way way way too much. so big headed. what does he think he is? urgh. so getting on my nerves. I swear he is. i have no respect for him at all and i think he should get a life. Never been so angry at him bfore.. I don’t hate him but Im just angry. So weird how I could love him so much last time. he’s such a big loser. big jerk and his ego is as big as the universe… i really don’t know when he will feel remorseful or even repent! wah seriously, his loss! i couldn’t care much! =)

I am not thinking abt sat’s shift. We know. They know.

Alright, I am now living with this quote by Eleanor Roosevelt.

“You gain strength, courage, and confidence by every experience in which you really stop to look fear in the face. You must do the thing which you think you cannot do.”

Enough whinning now. Should get ready for school! SO EXCITING! <3 school!

jangan tahan lidahmu menyebut nama Allah
jangan berat menyebut nama Allah

-Cintalah kerana Allah;love because of Allah || BarakAllahu feekum (: