Heart falls

I don’t know why subconscious mind played so many tricks today. I can’t stop thinking about him no matter how hard I tried to PUSH HIM AWAY. I am angry for not having the mental strength to fight my subconscious, makes me feel pathetic. Feels funny that even though I have A LOT to do and MORE important things are suppsed to occupy my mind, he’s still there. Why oh why? Now I know the reason why I’ve lost touch to sensitivity to my surroundings. I’ve changed to believe things which has reasons rather than what my heart is telling me. Thus I’ve lost it. Believing in my subconscious mind did not make me crazy. It created more awareness. Should I allow it to come back? Why is he amazingly so strong? Such a stranger has done more than just touching me. He’s grabbed me. Controlling my heart with the direction of his wind. Making me feel helpless most of the time. Like I’ve no other choice but to follow his wind. Which makes me think of myself like a dried pathetic leaf while he’s the uncontrollable wicked wild wind. I’ve got blown away. Not to be away from him but to be with him. Always.

Have LOADS to do. Seriously I feel like I’m running on a treadmill every other moment now. I am not walking my journey of life. I am jogging. The pace is getting faster. I’m aging MUCH FASTER than I thought I would. I think it’s depressing thinking about a problem that cannot be solved.& When I think there isn’t any. I am just in fact have been too positive about the world that it has driven my thoughts to the pessimic roads. Not on purpose of course. I am really glad I’m starting to see answers on the horizons of my sight. At least I won’t feel so bad. I am actually doing fine, I guess. wooh(:

Weirdly tired very easily these days. Haa, sesungguhNya diduga. 3 Major school projects and 1 freelance project up on line… Just do it!!! PUSH THE FATIGUE AWAY, DAMN YOU FATIGUE! I FINISHED NEWMOON! (: heehee happy like bird lah sehh. yes, I know SLOW. too bad I’ve got school to do. I took damn long to finish urh, 3 days. If no school less than a day I think I can.. I still got a whole lot of books to read. One Jodi Picoult, 2 more Twilight, one more Islamic book, some more design books.. oh list goes on….. Buy buy buy MORE books, no time to read =.= heesh…

Weary eyes, tears sipping through the lids
Mind seeks, longing for your presence long missed

What’s going on Tuesday?

This point of time in life I am not afraid of death.

Death is sweet. Death is peaceful. Death is a beginning

The long awaited

hee, happy(: desperately looking forward to more cousin outingsss.

Sometimes I can’t help but to feel irritated. Yet what’s the problem? I don’t know. This “urgh” feeling. I feel pissed at them for now. But I want to NOT be angry anymore. It’s such a negative energy. heesh!

Egypt!

Now I feel like going to Egypt and staying thr like forr-eeehh-verrrrr! (:  Oh, nice nice Sunday afternoon. Cool weather. I like the rain today. Though I know I usually like to see the sun more on other days. Not today though. Just nice cool weather. Just don’t want much of the thunder please   Just nice cool rain will do.

Yes, Agnotti you should be guilty as ever. For letting your coach down. For letting your team down. Hmm, it was sort of a miscommunication for the whole thing. Urgh I am guilty to the max now. I haven’t really gone down for training for..  3months already. And the next race is like in 2 weeks. I do miss rowing, A LOT. Time for me to start up again. Fast 10, Hard 30! Wooh! I don’t care if I’ve only got 2 weeks to train. I will. With determination & perserverance (: Do running, push ups and crushes like nobody’s business from today! The whole rush of adrenaline will start again.. & A new commiment to make. To go down to Kallang River every Sunday(: Can’t let coach down again. We will have to win the race. Have to! (: Even though coach did mention he still rows with the team, I think I should just ignore his presence. It’ll be weird though. But why must think about him right. It sucks to feel that you’re made use of IN A BAD WAY (of course there is made use of in a good way) and when you feel so pathetic that it just has to be him & he’s married now anyway wth. I’ll just stay away. Argh, don’t care don’t care. Just whack the paddle even if it meant to land on his face.. I’m doing it for the rest of the team anyway… =.=

Halfway through New Moon now! (: I am still wishing for a man like Edward.. Haiz.. LOL.

Eeyer, more freelance work to finish now =\ Aiyah.. No work no money for university. I know I know. Too bad I’ve gotta learn to stand on my own feet. I know even if I use my parents money for university I’ll have to pay them back..Family rule. (Only for university education and above) heesh. might as well work now & use the hard earned money for my own education. Then it’ll be more fulfilling(: Yes I know they want us to feel the PAIN of earning money for education. 12 months left. In fact I think I should go back to do tutoring. Cutting down on hangingout and rubbish, for just this year, at least.. I’ll try my best not to use my parents money.

Shawna & I wants to chiong for overseas scholarship! Hopefully!(: heeh, chiong arh…

Not well

The Box Eastern Conference Champions

Take me home
I’ve had enough
And I’m done

All the alcohol
Is not setting well at all

The drugs wore off
All the pills have stopped
And these are the tiny hands
That rip us a part

And I’ve got one foot in the gate of hell
And you’ve got two hands hailing taxis down
And he got three years just for givin’ up
And I’ve got nothing to complain about

I got one foot in the gate of hell
You got two hands hailing taxis down
He got three years just for givin’ up
And I’ve got nothing to complain about

Don’t give up
Even though I’ll give up
Cuz this is a front
You want me now
Cuz I will be here all night
It seems if only an empty drink
Cuz this is a front
You want me now
Cuz I am lost without you

One foot in the gate of hell
You got two hands hailing taxis down
He got three years just for givin’ up
And I’ve got nothing to complain about

And I’ve got one foot in the gate of hell
You got two hands pulling me around
You got three years just for givin’ up
And I’ve got nothing to complain about

Cuz sometimes
Somewhere
Somehow
It’s somewhere
It’s somehow
Yeah…

I’ve got a sun burn from the gate of hell
You got a sore throat from always screaming help
He got three years just for givin’ up
And I thought two years would’ve been enough

One foot in the gate of hell
You got two hands hailing taxis down
We got three years just for givin’ up
Oh I’ve got nothing to complain about

One foot in the gate of hell
You got two hands hailing taxis down
He got three years just for givin’ up
Oh I’ve got nothing to complain about

Tired, tired. Pain, pain. Tired. The feeling of sleeping on a chair for 4 nights is so not cool. I am I am really sick. Hafiza; looking at the symptoms, it’s similar to mine. Not exactly afraid but I’ve already expected it if it is really true. I know how it feels for him cos I am somewhat feeling the same things. One wouldn’t want to know the truth in times like this. Let it be. Oh, I am going to send Shan to CDA tmr. Hee..

Earth Hour (:

Come to think about it.. I’ve realised I am a wasted consumer. LOL. Waste this and that.. I think I want to strive to save earth. I’ll only bathe once a day. I’ll throw my current handphone and use the public phone. Or at least use a old handphone that doesn’t consume much energy. It’s all about saving(:

Erh, now I don’t know how to react to him. Urgh just let it go away. Feels too stagnant. Whenever he comes online I’ll go offline. I think same for him, vice versa. That’s why we don’t see him online. Like I said before, dah tak rasa apa apa.

For he whom I felt was a special someone has vanished into thin air. I am not going to remain hopeful but I will always keep that something I used to have for him close to my heart and always.. (:

Akanku mengakui engkau di hatiku.
Namun diluar tidak akanku mengaku kau yang kurindui.

I promise I will be close behind

Love of mine
Someday you will die
But I’ll be close behind
I’ll follow you into the dark
No blinding light or tunnels to gates of white
Just our hands clasped so tight
Waiting for the hint of the spark

If heaven and hell decide that they both are satisfied
Illuminate the no’s on their vacancy signs
If there’s no one beside you when your soul embarks
Then I’ll follow you into the dark

In catholic school, as vicious as Roman rule
I got my knuckles bruised by a lady in black
And I held my tongue as she told me “Son fear is the heart of love”
So I never went back

If heaven and hell decide that they both are satisfied
Illuminate the no’s on their vacancy signs
If there’s no one beside you when your soul embarks
Then I’ll follow you into the dark

You and me
Have seen everything to see
From Bangkok to Calgary
And the soles of your shoes
Are all worn down, the time for sleep is now
But it’s nothing to cry about ’cause we’ll hold each other soon
In the blackest of rooms

If heaven and hell decide that they both are satisfied
Illuminate the no’s on their vacancy signs
If there’s no one beside you when your soul embarks
Then I’ll follow you into the dark
And I’ll follow you into the dark.

No one I’ve met could beat your stubbornness. I just want you to be well. Not to see you suffer. For you to just get well soon. It’s hurting me a lot to see that you’re in pain. I’ll put a brave front for you and will not say I “don’t think I’ll have the courage to see you in pain. I just cannot pull myself through any more heart aches.” I will put a brave front. For you to stay strong.

No one needs to know if I’m ever feeling unwell. What’s important is that you are always okay (:

Like I’m running on treadmill

I am tired

I am sleepy

I feel like puking

I want to sleep

I just want to rest NOT thinking about what’s will happen tomorrow

Yes now I am whining. I think blogging makes me feel better in a way though I know it’s virtual world stories but it makes me feel I’ve got a wall to write and pour all my emotions out. 

Right here right now I feel that my head can explode anytime. Like Left4Dead zombies. Crushing heads into pieces. Ouch that hurts, same goes for my head now. My ass hurts cos I spend time sleeping on the chair. HAA. 

So the problem now is that I have too little time but many BIG DREAMS. Too little time. MANY COMMITMENTS. Haven’t even got time to say hello to myself. wth.. Why am I always chasing after time? I don’t want to be chasing after time. I just want to follow time. It’s tiring when it feels like your running. My tired spirit. My tired spirit is tired of living.

But why am I am still here?

Dunia Fana

Sehari-harian yang berlalu, detik demi detik yang melalui diri ini, aku tetap berada di bumi fana yang nyata ini. Padaku semua di dunia ini telah berubah, kecuali masa. Masa yang selalunya di kejar dan masa yang selalunya meninggalkan diri kita. Sedih hati melihat masa yang telah lama meninggalkan diri ini. Sedih melihatkan diri ini hanya di sini.  Masih di sini. Lalu aku bertanya kepada diriku ini, “Tidakah engkau jemu?”

Namun sejak kebelakangan ini aku merasa lain. Perasaan dan jiwa yang tidak boleh diungkap. Tidak boleh diceritakan. Kini seringkali aku bertanya, apakah perasaan ini dan setiap kali juga, lubuk hatiku tidak ada jawapan untuk kesangsian ku ini dan sering membawaku kepada kebingungan dan kekecewaan.

Aku masih tidak dapat melupakan madah jenakamu yang selalu membuatku ketawa riang. Namun aku masih tidak akan mengakui bahawa engkau yang berada di hatiku, yang amat aku merindui dan amat aku kasihi. Kerana takut akan akhirnya aku akan kecewa. Dan telah terbukti kini aku yang kecewa, aku yang tewas.

Aku hanya ingin memulakan lembar baru. Untuk melupakan yang telah lalu dan memulakan kehidupan baru atas dasar Islam. Namun setiap langkahku untuk melupakan dirimu menjadi lebih rumit. Aku tidak faham and hingga kini tidak mengerti mengapa kehadiranmu yang hanya seketika dan ibarat hujan renyai-renyai di hari panas telah memberikan kesan yang teramat mendalam. Mengapa dan bagaimana adalah soalan yang masih terngiang di telingaku.

Oleh itu aku kini sedar bahawa engkau adalah dugaan yang harus aku tempuhi. Apa yang telah berlaku telah membuatku menjadi seorang muslimah yang dapat menegakkan lagi keimannya terhadap Illahi.

Dengan masa aku telah ditakdirkan untuk bertemu denganmu dan dengan masa juga aku telah ditakdirkan untuk berpisah bersamamu. Semua atas  kehendak Illahi yang terpaksa aku terima dan tetap akanku redha.

Rejoice!

Awesome book(:

Yes, I am currently reading this book by Ninik Utama(: A really nice book. Good book on how to be a better muslimah. I’ll do some sharing of review as soon as I finished.

Listen to Time to say goodbye by Andrea Bocelli and Sarah Brightman. Nice classical piece that I’ll never get bored of (:

Now a question to ponder, “Untuk menjadi cantik, apakah cukup hanya bermodalkan fizikal semata?” Very little people now has insights to see the inner beauty. So does the beauty in heart still matters?

Have talked to my mom about my plans after my IAP. My mom agreed to let me go for 3 weeks. Actually if I have no school I want to stay there for months! Heee. InsyaAllah. I will depart the weekend straight after my IAP ends! See that straight after IAP ends! Yes, that’s the plan. Excited giler lah! I am so looking forward for September now! teeheee~ I know I will spend most of my Ramadhan there, ALONE (as in with without my parents or my sisters) But if it’s for the better why not? I need to really get away from the hussle and bussle anyway! Out of Singapore I will be! Looking forward to spend Ramadhan there. & terawikh, ahh nice nice (:

and Ramadhan, pls come quick.. oh aku sungguh merinduimu Ramadhan

Aku memang suka pada dirimu?

ooohhooo.. TTM(Teman tapi mesra) is for you my dear younger sister (: heehee. I shall sing the song to you every morning and every night. HAHA. Best giler to disturb her BGR life. (: hoo!

And nenek is here again! yeahh babeh! The seriously most sexiest woman alive! She is really really pretty when she was much younger okay and now also lah! (: So when ever nenek is around my house like pasar malam. Which is good in a way. Noisy giler babi. Not that she nags or anything. She talk until very funny. Then she will ask stupid questions like “Bila nak kahwin? Nenek dulu umur kau dah ada 3 anak tau!” Haha. Tu zaman dahulu nenek. lol.. I laugh a lot when she’s around. Her malay words are strange. Maybe that’s what org zaman kuno uses. Maybeb.. Oh, my nenek is so up to date that she knows the names of the men her grand daughters are going out with eg. Anas and Ramzi.. Ingat seh! HoOoo!(: even so I will always be worried when she’s not in sight. I once almost lost her. I don’t want that to happen again. I will take care of her and make her last days meaningful ones with all of the people she loves.. Sayang nenek lah seh(:

I feel super positive despite having the weirdness vibe still around. We’re going masjid together later (: hehehh. Tu yang the bestest part! (:

Hee, Akmal is back in town. Lovely to know a comrade who shares same passion of doing missionaries overseas (: Now I’ve fully understood that you’ve gotta help yourself and the closest people around you bfore you help more people out there. Hopefully after I can fully handle myself I’ll embark on this meaningful journey someday(: